Since the miscarriage and surgery, I have judged my days by "happy days" and "sad days." Thankfully, most have been happy days. I have a amazing husband and the cutest son, wonderful family and friends and lots of things to keep my mind busy. SO overall, it hasn't been as terrible as I thought it might be. But today is a sad day. I woke up sad, I am sad now, and chances are I will lay my head down tonight sad. I keep trying to rationalize my feelings by telling myself it could be so much worse. My family is healthy, we have a home, and "things" so many others don't have. I tell myself that it would be so much harder if I lost the pregnancy later after I had seen the heartbeat, and really had a big tummy. But I still feel the loss. I miss morning sickness! I miss the feeling of being pregnant. I miss never knowing what my baby will look like this side of Heaven. When I went in for my surgery, I had this wonderful nurse, Nancy, and she shared with me the her own experience with a miscarriage. She told me that her Dr. told her that GOD has a special place for babies like mine, and in Heaven they are whole and healthy. I believe that! I know that when that blessed day comes, I will see my precious one and we will know each other as mother and child. I cling to that, whether anyone else chooses to believe that or not.
I pray that soon enough I will be able to "feel" those feelings again. We tried for almost a year for Beckham, and my heart literally ached for a child. I am not sure everyone can grasp that, but it was literally a physical desire to have a child. Well, since Beckham was born, that ache had gone away. Until this miscarriage. The ache is back. The desire is so visceral, it's hard to explain. But I am trying to trust in the Lord.
I go in Friday for my post-op appt and we are suppose to get the final results from the pathologist at that time. I praying everything of ok. The preliminary reports looked ok, but I am still nervous that she's gonna spring something on me. I will post when I know more. (Sorry to be such a downer. )
6 comments:
Ang,
I have been thinking of you so much these last few days. I hate that you are going through this, and I wish I had the perfect words of encouragement. Please know that you are in my prayers and thoughts. Please let me know if you need anything at all, even if it's just a little distraction. I'm here. I love you!
angela, you've been in my thoughts and prayers. Though I know I don't have the words to comfort you, know that my heart is pleading with the Lord to reach out to your heart for the peace that he brings that passes understanding. love you!
I'm praying for you my friend. May God heal your heart. I sent an email to you at yahoo. Love you!
I LOVE YOU ! !
It has been a while since I have been able to sit and read everyone's blogs...so I'm sorry that I haven't already commented, though that doesn't mean you haven't been in my thoughts and prayers! I remember you daily and my heart truly breaks to see you so sad. You have every right to be...there is no shame in crying! Just know that I 100% believe that God will bless you and Josh in more ways that you can even fathom right now! Hang in there sweet friend! I love you!!
see you this weekend at the wedding--
Hey Angela-
I am just now catching up in my blog reading, and I am so sad to hear of everything you and Josh have been going through. I know I cannot come close to understanding a miscarriage, but I totally understand a desire so strong to have a baby that it physically hurts. Matt and I have been trying for over a year, and still nothing. There are on words to express the desire, and the pain that goes with another month passing and no pregnancy. We will be lifting you and Josh up in our prayers, for God to fill your hearts with peace, and help you to trust in His plan and His timing. Please let us know if there is anything more specific we can be praying about. Much love-many prayers, Steph
On a side note--Beckham is super cute! They change and grow so fast!
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